irmeli

Bloggen handlade från början om terapi, psykisk och fysisk misshandel samt sexuella övergrepp. I huvudsak använde jag den som ett terapiredskap för att bearbeta mina egna reaktioner och minnen. Nu skriver jag om vad som faller mig in, om mitt nya liv i Holland blandat med mitt gamla liv i Sverige.

Today

Kategori: Allmänt

I have been walking a lot today, or a lot but around two hours just to get something out of my system. Not that I succeeded but anyway. Bittersweet I maybe can loose a pound or two from all this. Today I thought my shrink is an idiot. He keeps nagging at me to take out my university diploma and I dont understand why. He says its good for me to see I have acchieved something that not anyone can do. As I see it anyone can go to the university and get a diploma. In that case he can nag how much he will, I probably never is going to take it out unless I need it for something. I know I have done it and dont need a paper of it.

He also tells me I must work actively and force my self to do stuff. Right now its hard enough to go to work. When I get back home I´m exhausted and dont want to do anything more. I told him I didnt wanted to go to him today and forced me to do that. I rather wanted to be home in bed. Then he wonders why since I dont sleep anyway. He keeps asking this uncomfortable questions and I hate him for that. At the same time he probably is doing his job. But I get the feeling he thinks I´m a spoiled child that dont want to do anything. I´m not!

Yea, I react like a child many times, cause I dont know how to react. Today I sat quiet most of the time and that made us quit sooner than we are supposed to. Somehow he dont realise I actually cant tell whats inside me right now. Or my feeling is he dont realises that. I just feel empty at the same time as my mind is working hard from one subject to another. All my childhood is passing through my brain. All the presence do the same. My brain cant handle it, it collapses. I´m really scared I will go nuts for real.

He told me I wouldnt be there if I were nuts for real. Its very common that people reacts this way when they start to dig in their passed. But that dont make me feel any better, maybe thats what I want? I want him to be nice and understanding instead of a bulldozer. Hmm...in the beginning I told him I want straightforwardness so guess Im to blame too...*sighs*...actually he said a lot of positive stuff but my conclusion of today is that he thinks I just feel sorry for my self. Yes, I do today! Why cant I be allowed to do that? Tomorrow I have to be that happy person again so I think I deserve a day of self pitty once and a while.

The state here have also decided that all children who have been raised in different kinds of fostercare are going to get a public excuse and maybe some symbolic sum of money for their suffering. At the most 25 000 euro and he told me I must apply. Sure, money is money but somehow it feels so silly, how are they going to value who have had it the worst? Anyway its symbolic cause you cant value a persons life in money. In my case (if I get the highest amount)my life is valued to 2500 euros per year...counted at 10 years...I lived in fostercare for 15 years. After that my life still were controlled until I was 30 so I dont know...

Sure, the state is taking their blame, they did wrong and didnt check out their homes properly and they now admit they did wrong. He said its not very common so its a victory. Why dont I feel that? I want to live happily ever after and my childhood have destroyed a lot of my life. How can I take it as a victory? I´m glad that it hopefully helps coming generations. But for me its to late anyhow...yea, I´m terribly bitter, that he also told me and when I see what I just wrote I must agree.

Just hope that tomorrow is another day...
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